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Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
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Jean, 29091988I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. — Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Im down with food poisoning. A serious and not-so-serious case. Got myself a jab and a full bag of medication. work's accumulating but i need to pull myself into a better shape first before i could do anything. physically and mentally. just when im really learning to build the trust again, you are going off over this weekend. so someone please fucking teach me, how not to let my imagination run wild. Monday, March 30, 2009
whats happening to all my best buddies? 我真的看不下去了 Friday, March 27, 2009
Relationship is never just about lust and being passionate. so what do we see in each other exactly? Probably its time to sit down and have a good think. Esp when your heart is STILL so concerned about the other. but you whispered you loved me. Thursday, March 26, 2009
i had a terrible nightmare. everything seems so real and near to me. i jumped up from my bed in the middle of the night. i was so terrified that i couldnt sleep after that and i did not go to work today. please, i need to go out. really. okay, Bali's out. As much as I've wanted to make use of this chance to start afresh, I cant again. Though I've expected this to come, but Im still ya, a little upset I should say. But due to the fact that its really not practical and really too much waste of money unlike what we had expected it to be, no choice. I really really need days off from work. to sleep and rot, den sleep and rot, den sleep and rot. like those nest days 'cause I cant stand my hectic life any longer. Monday, March 23, 2009
Okays, time for some quick updates after not blogging for a couple of days. We are fine for now. I’ve thought it through over the past few nights. My relationship and personal life definitely worth much more than this and I believe, I can work things out to achieve more. I should not waste my time worrying and sobbing over issues that ain’t my fault at all. At least, I did not do anything against my conscience. He did showed, that whatever I’ve done, has not gone down the drain. Even if it does, I should leave with no regrets for this relationship. Things had turned its way round and we are back together again, awaiting for the one year two months anniversary to arrive this Friday, and hopefully, bali next Tuesday. Tony’s house party for Elvin was great. Beer, sake and champagne were the mixture for me that night, but I seemed to maintain pretty sober at the end of the day. One party - I’ve seen people of people talents/motives/characters through a few hours. We have people getting drunk very early and sleeping in one corner, we have people drinking and showing all the attraction to another individual, we have people drinking and throwing their asses around, blah and blah. It’s the nature of life. Humans are never perfect. So am I. The things that I’ve gone through these years, may have resulted in the certain expectations I have out of life and people around me. So should I keep the expectations? Or again, is it being unfair to my loved ones, especially him? I’m still searching for my perfect answer. For now, I love him as of Day One and it had never changed. I need to rebuild my confidence back in him and again, please allow me to have more time. Friday, March 20, 2009
I knew i would forgive him. I knew this day would come. But everything still burns strongly as though that all happened just yesterday. he is trying his best. but again, how much of them are true? Im learning very hard to build my trust in you again and I would not be able to bear any heartaches again, I'll just fade off. I dun need any more drama in my side. so if you are still acting in the drama, I'll beg you to get off my back and i would need to rest. your words were never strong enough for me to turn back. But I love you, so I did. Then came second time. and the third. this is really unlikely of me. all the pressure im going through for this relationship. do you even understand? or rather, do you even know that im undergoing such pressure? but then again, I love you. and i handled all the emotions myself. Never once did i ever blame you about anything nor told you anything. Cant you even see it? Relationship is more than what you know. probably its time for you to learn. Im feeling as though im living in her shadows. someone please tell me why. I'll give it all up. If i really have to. and i seriously mean it. thats who I am. Thursday, March 19, 2009
looking back at all that had happened for the past three days, it all seems like a joke, a drama. i have to admit, that i had forgiven him. Nat's right, Females tend to forgive easily but takes longer period to forget, vice versa for Men. the whole incident is crap, just plainly crap. anyone who knew what happened, would just simply tell me off saying, its just bullshits and craps Jean. I've made things cleared enough, cross my path again, and we'll see. Tuesday, March 17, 2009
alright. im still in office. gonna be stuck here till late. im surprised that without sleeping for one night and no food for more than 12 hours till now, i can still work till this extreme. haha. what about sneaking out for a beer or two later alone tonight after everyone is asleep. sounds great. so here i am. sitting at my desk for the start of the 2nd day of the week only. I really did not sleep at all. I've tossed and turned like a million times but my eyes refuses to close. real frustrating. and to realise, i do not have any food since yesterday morning's $2.50 MacDonald's value meal and my strawberry meiji yoghurt during lunch. thats all for the day. no other food except for beer who is the ultimate best friend of mine eventually. eyes are like puffer fish but its okay. okay Jean. its time to move on. try at least. Im freezing my facebook and MSN for the time being. its too much for me to take overnight. Im really exhausted. I cant live with a man, who shouts at me and threatens me. you are not my step-father. dun sound like him please. is it really that hard? i guess ive just expected too much out of this whole thing. whatever it is, its too late now. Im not really a huge fan of hers, but yea. I quite like this song. Please send me this song if anyone has it. 石欣卉 - 你没想像中爱我 你小心翼翼 牵我手 其实是担忧 藏不住 我自尊也投降 活在她之下 我 好傻 你字字句句说 你不爱她 那又是什么 让你害怕 我疑惑但是原谅 因为你留下 我 好傻 不是我不说就不在意空等候 原来 你没想像中那么爱我 我不懂该拿什么安慰我的难受 你的存在 让我更寂寞 你寸步不离 像天使的她 挥霍我的爱 从不放心上 我有一丝无奈 也有一些明白 该 放开 不是我不说就不在意空等候 原来 你没想像中那么爱我 我不能再从你的怀抱感觉到什么 不爱我别再说 假装爱那是撒盐在伤口 i have not caught a wink at all. and im ready for work in the next 2 hours. so much for the 1yr 2mths anniversary. it has all ended. Monday, March 16, 2009
this would finally decide if i am still going bali or not. Tonight will also decides my faith and trust for you. Tonight ultimately decides if I were to leave or stay. thats it. i had enough. Wednesday, March 11, 2009
im still trying. every word and sentence that was said to me, i cant help but to think which's real. i dunno, its just a bad scar. just like that one on my right hand. but thats a physical one. probably some things need a change. the lifestyle has to change. i guess he deserves more freedom than he has now rather having to see my face for almost everyday. sometimes i wonder again. what is it that makes one cherish. when till its gone? xiaoGuan was chatting with me just now. why all the words seems to rebounce back to me? cheer up lill boy! (: Cant read my, cant read my, No he cant read my poker face. thats true. Tuesday, March 10, 2009
As I face my workstation, Im getting more and more restless. that should not be the way, that should be the case. I've trillion tasks piling up my in-tray. but its just so hard to get it started. I dunno whats in the load that I'm feeling. I just know its hard to concentrate. So many 'what-ifs' appeared in my brains, with all the mega big question marks. its was not easy for me to build my total trust for you. but I did. yes. I still pondering over this, I'm still feeling disappointed, I'm still hesitating. do you even understand what I am after for in life. do you even understand how i feel and think towards different issues. i dun want fancy gifts. i dun need them. i need a man, loves who i am, learns me like a book, honest and loyal. so are you sure you are the one? at this very moment, she still pins her hopes on you. believe? please tell me when this is going to ever end. Sunday, March 08, 2009
I just cant get the incident out of my mind. As much as I wanted to, I really cant believed it happened. Too shocked at the point of time to think of anything else. After dropping Godfather a visit, I thought that everything had changed for the better. I was so overwhelmed over the things I've heard, not the details, but the fact that I've got the right one for myself. and what happened? it almost felt as if a lighted cigarette had burnt a hole in the middle of a piece of white paper. the hole burns slowly turning into a larger hole each second. though you had already apologised, but the things that you've said, sets me down thinking on which are the sentences that are really the exact words that came out from you. and now im having second thoughts of going bali. was it even worthly after all has been done. i cant sleep last night though i was having a terrible headache. our conversation still rings loudly in my brains. if i cant get over it, means i cant face you anymore. Monday, March 02, 2009
Baby and myself bought me a pair of Prada new specs!! =D =D =D =D |
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But baby, where they knock you down and out
Is where you oughta stay |
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